artyartie

After a little errand outing, we all walked down to get the mail. Jared pulled out an envelope for me, bearing a return address of UMN. The envelope was very slender, with only a single sheet of paper. I knew what it would say as soon as I saw it, and when I opened it, I only had to scan over a few vital sentences to realize I hadn't been accepted into the program.

Once we got back in the house, the tears I had been fighting on the walk back all came out, and all the frustration and anguish of the last few months was unable to be held back anymore. I think there are still a few to be shed, and I'll take a few days to grieve, but soon, very, very soon, I will start the search anew, beginning with UC Boulder. It will be hard to find a program to take me and give me an assistantship for the fall, but I'm hoping the spring semester of 2006 will be a more fruitful beginning. I'll apply to more schools, make sure I correspond with them frequently and visit if possible, and submit an article for publication so that it's clear I still care about the discipline. As

wanderingfool told me, it's only an obstacle, not the end. Since I graduated college, I've felt as if I've been wandering in the desert - no map, no goal, squandering whatever promise and potential I had. Pulling myself out of the wilderness is hard, and the edge of the wasteland is still over the horizon. But now, at least I know it's there.

I can't thank all of you enough for your support, for your kind words of encouragement, your sympathetic shoulders, your cheering humor. Even if I have been wandering in the dark for a very long time, I couldn't ask for brighter stars in the sky to make the night a little less lonely.